The Need to Write

I am a teacher. I teach English. I have days when I have no idea what that really means. Today is not one of those days. Today I realized I have not written anything of my own in months. No story, no poem, no blog and barely the occasional FB note. I have also not read very much. My work takes up so much time. I read and write instructions, prompts and grant requirements. But, I don't write. I feel like a fraud. My students have written 6 essays, endless paragraphs, thank you notes, apology letters, WWI diary entries and on and on. I have written nothing.

The teacher in the adjoining room found some things I wrote. They once published something I wrote in the LA Times. It was meant to be a letter to the editor, but they called and wanted it for their voices section. I worked with the editor, it actually is a piece that became longer not shorter with the edit. It was printed and I got phone calls from people in my community. Cool.

And yet, that was a long time ago. Now, I need some kind of writing project.  I want it to be something for me that is me that sounds like me.  

So, what do I know. I know we can lose our imagination as we get older. My niece Emma learned that from her Kindergarten teacher. It's true, but does it have to be. Can't we all dream and hope and believe in magic, love and adventure?  I want to, but it is true sometimes I believe I don't have much of those things left in my life. Those are sometime longer than fleeting thoughts. I used to be brave. I used to be sure of the endless possibilities.  I used to be a lot of things. 

I now know being strong and being brave are not necessarily connected. I now know with time it can be harder to take risks. I know doing things just because you are good at them is a lousy way to live your life. There needs to be joy. I learned something about joy from a priest. You don't have to be religious or believe in a specific god to understand this.  Anyway, he told us happiness is happiness but true joy comes from God. You know, that higher and deeper place. Joy is that feeling that overwhelms you and lifts you up and you feel fulfilled. My camp friends will understand this as that point in a ceremony. Joy real joy is what we are looking for. 

This is not the writing I was planning on doing today, but maybe it will lead me in the right direction.